Title: My Love story
Devoted to my dear Asian friend.
I started writing the story in the same way you did, but ended up with long story about me, my life and lots of other stuff. The very first feeling of something similar to «love» or «feeling for someone» came quite early to me. I was 7 years, I think, and saw a girl from a parallel (it means, same year but different track, it's not too important when you're seven years old). I also got understanding that there is guy in her class who likes her and I think I gave up, or so. Before 13 years, I liked couple more girls, for quite long time, more than a year. I thought I am a long lover.
Then, at 12 years, I was at summer camp where I met a guy from completely different social strata than I was -- he was a skinhead (a Russian nationalist, quite a popular movement at that time), and introduced some new words and meanings. For example, when he asked about my attitude to skinhead movement, I said «I was passively supporting it», and he joked that «passive» means «bottom» in then-Russian. We used to chat a lot in the evenings, and we finished with a phrase «I love you» often. It did not mean anything, but anyway it was something for me. Sometimes I was dreaming about being together with him -- occasionally thinking about myself as a girl. However, we did not interact too much due to difference in interests. In the meantime, I heard jokes about gays at school, and felt disgusted about it.
The gay topic gradually passed away, I fell in love for a girl from my class, feeling a kind of masochistic happiness while she ignored me; that lasted for a couple of years. But this was to be changed.
When I was still 14, I went to 10th class -- we have formally two years of high school in Russia. I fell in love with a guy who attended a «parallel» class... This was the longest feeling I ever had, it lasted until my 19 years. We grew up seeing each other at schoool almost every day, I was following him, trying to be a better friend... And felt so bad being unable to explain why. Later, when I was 18, I opened to his brother and then to him. Fortunately, he was a good friend, we are still talking a lot. He got married recently and is waiting for his child now. Somewhere around that time I met a girl; she was a younger sister of my ex-schoolmate; we were together for about three months. That was probably my most classic and typical relationship; it was also very bright and full of chat. The time for aimless walk under the rain, dreams, unicorns... suitable for that age.
Around that time my first sex has happened. All that stuff led to me coming out by June in 2009. It was a hard time, but that made me who I am. It was also the time for Internet encounters; I met a guy who I loved for years. He was from a town in the middle of Western Russia, about a day away from StP, and we quite enjoyed talking; our connection oscillated over the time, sometimes we were making fun of each other, sometimes we didn't chat almost at all -- and sometimes I felt in a heaven. He realized he's straight, and we broke really hard. That was a stone that initiated a blizzard; I left my then-job as a programming linguist, accepted invitation to learn in Hong Kong. That was a big push forward; but it also deviated me. I joked about being "a homeless of the world", and at that time I didn't understand how precise this description would become.
Since then I did not manage to have reliable or anyhow long relationships, although still managed to make friends, and good friends often.
Year after, I came to Moscow. I lived there lonely for a year; trying to find someone on applications, with very limited success. I did not like the city too much, and went to StP to meet friends. Terrible feeling. I was studying and preparing for my venture -- starting a bar in Moscow, when I finally mey a guy... His name was Tima, and I feel he's a person I ever had strongest feelings for.
Tima is remarkable for being adaptive to people he values. I don't know if he can actually fall in love -- he enjoys changing his image and lifestyle; and when we met, he found my geeky and lonely lifestyle attracting. We were introduced by our common friend (who, although not being a gay, is a pro-gay activist). We lived about three month happy, traveled together and separately, and ultimately he helped and inspired me a lot with the bar. By the time we were opening, I remarked a kind of coldness between us, but did not pay too much attention, I was very busy and stressed wth making bar run well. Anyway, Tima was helping us a lot, and I thought he's just stressed. We had a talk month later, in mid-September 2014, when he admitted the love magic has gone away. We chatted about it for half a day... I was rather enjoying how he formulates rather than perceiving the essence. So bad.
We broke up a day before my birthday. I went to Petersburg, destroyed. THanks to my friends... I survived it.
The whole situation left my empty, I felt I have lost everything. That was not true - I was still in the university, and my beloved friends did not reject me. But the feeling was hard. I stayed last six months in Moscow and knew the only thing I wanna leave the city; meanwhile I was knowing closer people I knew already, one of them is remarkable as a social hub: he likes meeting new people and bringing his mates together.
And about four months later, when I was already working for Estonian company and left Moscow sometimes, I met my last boyfriend. It was so stupidly simple: we met on Hornet, agreed we don't want sex but would like to walk together and know each other. On our first date, we even had problems communicating. I have no idea why did he fall in love with me. It just happened - and now I realize how dumb I was ignoring it. Suriya -- he has a beautiful Thai name -- was happy looking at me when I was working, making food, just making me happier. I could not get it (yeah, I am not happy with seeing someone just helping me, I am too selfish and standalone), and I can imagine how he was suffering. Indeed, I was in the same situation five years before with my straight love. So silly.
Unfortunately, we had to break. Suriya went back to Thailand, I went to Tallinn and later to San Jose. We had long talks, where he was caring about all aspects of my life. I treated it as being jealous. Again. He was just reflecting me at the same age. Over the time, we chatted less, and even when we met in Thailand, he seemed already cooler... And, probably, burnt out. I feel shame for making him feel like that.
So... Seems I have no experience of relationships, and, worse, I am almost always breaking bad with people I loved. That's ugly. I wanna change it.
UPDATE (10/30/16): after the MIPT/MSU gay Halloween party, I started to love the city of Moscow. I met many guys, each of them taught me something about being both a gay and a person, they introduced me to their society and just made me happy. Moscow becomes better, and I feel I lost another opportunity here.